


so maybe she's got some of it a bit wrong

by MerlinMerlot



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: F/F, One Off, neither of them believe they actually like the other, spoilers for episode 57, they're really silly ok!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-10
Updated: 2019-04-10
Packaged: 2020-01-07 15:13:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,597
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18413210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MerlinMerlot/pseuds/MerlinMerlot
Summary: Jester thinks about love, and she thinks about Beau.





	so maybe she's got some of it a bit wrong

Jester was super positive she knew everything there was to know about love.

Like, come on. She's read a ton of smut. She knows everything about sex. She's flirted with, like, so many guys. Well, maybe not that last part. 

She's probably the most experienced out of the mighty nein. Fjord hasn't even fucked since ever, Caleb has some long lost love stuff he needs to deal and he's a stinky wizard, Cad hasn't left that graveyard at all until now... 

Well, maybe Beau knows more. Maybe that's why she seems to get so many girls. Maybe that's why she looked at her so strangely for saying that she learned love from smut books.

That conversation kinda confused Jester. The love in books always felt... Right. It felt earnest and simple and, well, perfect. And also involved a lot of fucking, but you know.

But it still bugged her that Beau gave her that pitied look toward her. It bugged her that she now was kinda sorta doubting her own experiences. And it really super bugged her how embarrassed it made her feel.

The next few days Jester couldn't help avoid Beau just a little bit. She knows it didn't matter that much, it was no biggy, Beau probably didn't care... But still. 

And it wasn't like they didn't have stuff to deal with. They've just become heroes of the krynn!

That kinda freaked her out. She didnt like to think about it too much because it made her wonder if she'll ever see mama or her dad(?) or really anything of her old home or the empire and she doesn't really want to stay here with the dynasty but what if they have to?

She knew Beau worried too. She could see it in her stance, the way her eyes darkened, the grip of her hands, how she lifted her chin up and stared at the sky silently, always thinking and always being smart and careful and... Concerned. Beau hadn't really mentioned her feelings on anything that much though. Jester wondered what Dairon thinks. Didn't they like, have a thing? Maybe? She betted they totally fucked. 

... She hated how she couldn't distract herself with thoughts about love anymore. She liked to go into her head and stay there when things got a little too deep and when she started worrying too much. But now love feels a little.... Kinda dry? Like super... Fake. Because what if it was kinda sorta really fake? Then what about her thing with, you know, Fjord.

She hadn't really been thinking about him lately. Like, she's flirted with him like, two or three times these past weeks, and he's still super handsome, and she knew that he was totally into her. Like, they were definitely, definitely going to fuck soon.

But, technically, she didn't really feel like it. Like, she wouldn't mind or anything, but. It didn't feel as perfect or romantic anymore. It didn't feel like it felt when she read those books.

...

She's been drawing in her sketchbook a lot more this past week. Mainly silly things, like baby gnolls and funny people in bars and tiny dicks. Because they didn't really make her think too much, and thinking has been a bit of a jerkbag to her lately.

But it's kinda hard to do that AND avoid Beau too. Because Beau always figures these sorts of things out. She's Beau.

"Hey, Jessie." Beau crouches in the seat across from her, cradling an ale in her hands as her eyes flicker over to the pages Jester is doodling over. "Whatcha got there?"

"Oh, well, you know, just a bunch of dicks. The usuaaaal." Jester smiles, not lifting her head from the notebook as she scribbles over a drawing she doesn't like.

It's like a daily thing now. Beau asks Jester what she's drawing, Jester replies sorta vaguely, and they silently just sit there for a little bit cause it just feels really weird to try to make small talk. Small talk is what serious business people do with serious business and lots of paper to sign or fiddle with. 

Beau never seems to mind though. She sits in the silence, eyeing passerbys, sipping her drink, before she has to get up once more to have some talk with Fjord or Caleb or Cad or someone else. But she doesn't bother Jester, doesn't ask why Jester doesn't talk anymore in their room, or why she purposely sits or stands near Nott or Fjord more, or why she can't be herself around Beau without feeling acutely nervous or jumpy in her stomach. Oh, it's all awfully silly, isn't it? 

"Well, uh, if you need anything, just let me know." Jester looks up to see Beau staring at her intently, eyes narrowed in a look she's become familiar to. "And, you can talk to me, you know. I won't judge you for anything." 

Jester smiles once more, even if it doesn't feel real or nice or happy. "... Thanks Beau." 

How funny was it to feel so safe with a person yet so sad? It reminded her of a pastry she had when she was younger, crumbly and imperfect but such a nice memory. Why did Beau make her feel so sad and happy?

...

"Beau?" Jester can hear Beau's body shift in place, snuffing out what possible sleep to look over at the tiefling.

"Yeah, Jes, what it is?" She sounds tired, exhausted, for probably good reasons. Jester now feels kinda stupid waking her up so late but there isn't much she can do now.

"Well, um, remember how you said, um," Jester pauses, pursing her lips as her eyes flicker across the ceiling. "Remember how we were talking about love or something, and I said it wasn't like the books I read, and you looked at me funny?"

"... Oh." Beau's tone is pitied again, almost half amused, and Jester can't help but flush. 

"You know what, sorry, this was stupid," Jester starts to roll back to her side but Beau's voice breaks out in the dark. 

"No wait, Jes, you gotta hear this." Beau huffs, hesitating for a moment, before continuing, "Those books... They don't really represent life. That's not their job. They simplify things, and make it nicer, and better, without serious repercussions and without serious anything. And the same with love in those books. It just, never that easy, or plain to see, you know what I'm saying?"

"So... Okay, then how is it like really?" Jes asks, after another long pause. "How should love work?"

"Uh, well," Beau seems to shrink a bit as she awkwardly scratches the back of her head. "It's different for everyone I guess. It's a lot more slower, I can say that. And sometimes you don't know until you know the person really well, and sometimes you lose the feeling when you do.

"Okay, maybe I'm not the one to ask about this, Jes," Beau laughs sheepishly. "Nott probably knows more than I do, she's the one in an actual relationship."

"But you get so many girls! You flirt like, all the time. What about Keg, or Yasha?" Jester insists, frowning.

"Yeah, but that isn't..." Beau trails off, exasperated. "I don't really have long term relationships, Jes. Fucking someone doesn't mean you're really in to them, you know? Maybe you just think they're hot. And Yasha... That's a bit complicated. But I'm not looking for anything with her either."

"Oh." Jester exhales slowly, and suddenly her eyes felt heavy and about to burst for no reason at all. "Then how do you know then, Beau? How will you know when you find that person?"

"I guess it just happens. I don't think anyone can tell you that," Beau hesitantly replies, and Jester can see her shift onto her back. "Just. You know. If someone makes you really, really happy, then maybe that person is someone you want to be with." Beau heaves a sigh, sounding bitter. "You just gotta hope beyond hope it's the same for the other person too."

Jester takes in the advice, giving into another shaky breath before she can feel tears streaking down her face. Why was she so sad? Why was she so upset about this? Oh, how really absolutely dumb this all made her feel! 

"... Aw, Beau." Jester sniffles, wiping her face with the palm of her hands to clear away the river on her cheeks. "I think you know more about this than you say you do." 

Beau gives a croaky laugh in return. "Maybe I should start giving relationship advice to everyone. Might make some money."

She pauses, clearing her throat as she remains in the silence. Then she continues softly, "Just, don't feel the need to find your special someone soon, okay?" Jester can feel Beau's eyes on her face, though she can't bring herself to return the gaze. "Figure yourself out first. Then I'm sure it'll work out."

Jester grins, the ends of her eyes crinkling in bittersweet relief. "Thanks, Beau. For not making fun of me. And, um." She hastily adds after a moment, "I'm really sorry for avoiding you and not talking to you. That was dumb."

"You're not dumb, Jester. I get it." Beau stretches out her back, shifting to once more get into a sleeping position. "I'm glad you listened."

Jester shifts closer to Beau, tail wrapping around the monk's ankle as she presses herself into the folds of the blankets. "... Love you Beau."

"You too, Jes." And a hand reaches around Jester's stomach as they fall back into sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> This was super fun to write, especially from Jes' point of view. Might do more one offs in the future.


End file.
